what it feels like

1.

i don’t know shit.

i wish i could quit bothering you for 24 hours -                       i wish you’d stop encouraging me

for 24 fucking hours                                                              i wish you’d stop

just stop                                                                                           !!

but - i want to shake you by the shoulders and make you understand

        you are the reason

        you are                         the fucking                           reason

you don’t  understand you  don’t understand you don’t understand you don’t understand you don’t

you told me it didn’t matter if my intentions were pure and that                 kinda fucking scared me

because you gave me permission

and then you became my intentions and that wasn’t supposed to happen

in fact none of this was supposed to happen

in fact

sometimes i wish i’d never met you

and you still don’t understand you don’t. understand you don’t understand

you won’t            maybe you can’t

i think maybe                                                                                  i think maybe

i would do anything for you                                                                  i’ve never done anything right

2.

you’ve said you will die at twenty-five and i have to think of a way to say i love you.

i’ve only got seven years left                                                                    (i will miss you)

maybe i won’t miss anything

let me be the coin under your pillow and i will go with you -        

you know you won’t go to heaven

(i don’t care)

                                                                           i get to look at you the same way again -

when you see me staring and you raise your eyebrows at me -

maybe in hell an anxiety that routine will become a relief

maybe i won’t miss anything

let me forget about you please please please die after i’ve forgotten

or let me die first

3.

but what does it fucking matter        !!!!!!!!!!!

what do you care anyway! with your        your stupid fucking smirk                

you take such great care not to get involved

well is it working? is it working?  test 1 2 3

fuck you.

FUCK YOU!

i wish i could say it and mean it                fuck

                                                     i wish i could say

4.

i love you

5.

i love you.

i love you in a way i was never taught to articulate

i love you in a way i was never allowed to articulate.

i love you and i can’t even meet your eyes.

i love you and i can’t come up with some profound way to say it but you have to believe me,

i love you like i’ve loved the rest of the world

i love you like i try to love living

i love you and it condemns me.

6.

and you make it feel so temporary.

honestly i should be worried about dying but i worry about you, and that’s, well,

that’s fucking unfair

        i mean, what’s the point of dying

        nobody cares about our doomed fucking love story

                but i would like to live long enough to tell the tragic ending i suppose

nothing lasts forever

well maybe you will, dipshit !

can i tell your story without you?

i could ask this and you would say there is no story to be told

        but again you’re mistaken. there is always a story and even so for YOU to be meaningless, for YOU to lack impact, for YOU to have no effect on the world,

                                    maybe i see you in a different shade but that’s fucking ridiculous.

YOU’RE fucking ridiculous, i can’t believe you.

dumbass.                                i love you.

7.

i know you don’t get it but, like,

let me know i guess.

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